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Author Topic: Humor  (Read 6999 times)

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Karnickel

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Re: Humor
« Reply #11 on: Mon, Aug 13, 2007, 22:44 »

Reposting from another place:

RAINING MONEY
by Pu Song Ling (translated by John Minford)

There was a certain gentleman of Binzhou who was reading in his study one day when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door and beheld a white-haired old man of a most antique appearance. He invited him in and asked his name.

‘My name is Hu Yangzhen - Fox the Taoist Adept,’ answered the old man. ‘In truth I am a fox-spirit. I have heard of you as a gentleman of great erudition and refinement, and would like to make your acquaintance.’

Now this Binzhou gentleman was by temperament an open-minded sort of person, and quite happy to accept the old man for what he was. He soon entered into a lengthy conversation with him about matters ancient and modern, in the course of which his guest showed himself to be extraordinarily learned and eloquent, expressing himself most gracefully and expounding the classics with unusual insight. The gentleman was hugely impressed, and from that day forward he regularly invited the old man to stay for long periods of time.

During one of these visits, he pleaded confidentially with him. ‘You and I are such good friends now. Look at the poverty that surrounds me. I know it would be the easiest thing in the world for you to come by some money. Won’t you help me out?’

The old man fell silent for a while, appearing reluctant to comply with this request. Then he smiled. ‘It would certainly be easy enough. But I shall need a dozen coins as seed.’

The gentleman provided the requisite number of coins, and the two of them adjourned to a separate room, where the old man began pacing up and down and chanting certain magical incantations. After a short while, thousands of coins came clattering down from the ceiling in a great shower, and soon they were up to their knees in a veritable flood of money. They clambered on to the top of the pile, but the coins kept pouring down and covering their ankles, filling the entire room (which was about ten feet square) to a considerable depth.
‘Satisfied yet?’ asked the old man.

‘Yes! That’s quite enough!’ cried the gentleman, whereupon the old man waved his hand and the ‘rain’ stopped. They both left the room and bolted the door from the outside. The gentleman was secretly delighted, thinking that he had suddenly become wealthy.
Some time later, he went hack to contemplate his newly gained riches, but when he opened the door the money hill had vanished. All he could see on the ground were the dozen coins he had provided as ‘seed’ money. He was deeply disappointed, and accused the old man with some animosity of having cheated him.

‘I was looking for a friend,’ replied the old man angrily, ‘someone to discuss books with, not a partner in crime! If what you want is money, then you’d better go and make friends with some petty thief! I’m afraid I cannot oblige.’
With these words, he shook his sleeves and was gone.


 ;D

Karnickel

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Re: Humor
« Reply #10 on: Thu, Apr 27, 2006, 03:39 »


[/color]

OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.



In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.


Mogul

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Re: Volunteers wanted
« Reply #9 on: Sun, Apr 02, 2006, 12:35 »

April Fools Day

Dear Friends,

the announcement of the Summer Camp 2006 on the Farm of "Mr. Glukos Agoris" was, of course, our tribute to the April Fools Day. "Glukos Agoris (Γλυκό Αγόρι)" means "Sweet Boy", and the city of Mytilene (Μυτιλήνη) is located on the island Lesbos.  ;D ;D ;D

Next time, the camp shall be real - it souldn'd be overly difficult to find a location for camping in Greece. Should we watch out for an opportunity on Agios Efstratios?  :P
"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right!" Salvor Hardin

violetsandy

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Re: Volunteers wanted
« Reply #8 on: Sat, Apr 01, 2006, 22:33 »

What would the cost per person be?  I was just wondering if you had any ieda of the actual costs.  I know that each person would be

 responsible for their own transportation to and from the island.
:E

Mogul

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Volunteers wanted
« Reply #7 on: Sat, Apr 01, 2006, 22:03 »

Gay Homeland Foundation
Press release GHF 2006/04 VZ
01.04.2006
[/color]
Summer Camp 2006

Dear Friends,

we are happy to announce that we now have a possibility to maintain a summer camp on a Greek island Agios Efstratios! Today I have arranged a contract with Mr. Glukos Agoris (Γλυκό Αγόρι) for the use of of his farm on Agios Efstratios. We can use the utilities on the farm and have to pay solely for electricity, anything else is free. Because Mr. Agoris is in his sixtees, he cannot take care of the facilities by himselfe, and lives in the city of Mytilene (Μυτιλήνη). Do not expect much comfort, the accomodation is very simple. There is a water line to his farm, but the quality is not very good, so the drinking water must be brought from the village in cans.

Agios Efstratios is an island 0f 42 km2 and some 250 inhabitants.

The farm can be used without time limits, but we of cause need some time for organisation of supply etc. If you are interested in spending your time with a group of nice people, contact us by e-mail: summercamp2006@gayhomeland.org.


1. April 2006                 


ATTACHEMENT: Maps.

Location:


The island:


[/color]

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right!" Salvor Hardin

Feral

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Re: Humor
« Reply #6 on: Fri, Mar 24, 2006, 01:58 »

The parody is reportedly produced by someone called Justin Watt (source: http://gay.ru/news/rainbow/2006/03/11-6912.htm).

It is a very funny parody. Justin's blog is where it all started. The American Civil Liberties Union has taken up his legal defence. If the parody weren't so damn funny, I'd say this topic was actually GLBT news. As it is, I chuckle every time I see Justin's picture.


Edited to add:

Christian group backs off case against blog parody


Quote
A Christian group that promotes heterosexuality Thursday quietly dropped its beef against a blogger who poked fun at it.

Exodus International initially claimed the altered image of one of its billboards by Justin Watt infringed its copyright. But Exodus is no longer pursuing the matter after Watt stopped using its "watermark" logo, Exodus President Alan Chambers said.

One could, of course, speculate that the free services of the American Civil Liberties Union and the high-powered law firm Fenwick & West had just a little bit to do with it.  ;D
« Last Edit: Sat, Mar 25, 2006, 18:05 by Feral »
Stonewall was a riot.

Mogul

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Re: Humor
« Reply #5 on: Wed, Mar 22, 2006, 21:20 »

Story I received over many other hands:

On Wednesday, March 1st, 2006, in Annapolis at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU, was requested to testify.

At the end of his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman.  What do you have to say about that?"

Raskin replied: "Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution.  You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."
"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right!" Salvor Hardin

Mogul

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Re: Humor
« Reply #4 on: Sun, Mar 12, 2006, 04:28 »



The parody is reportedly produced by someone called Justin Watt (source: http://gay.ru/news/rainbow/2006/03/11-6912.htm).

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right!" Salvor Hardin

Mogul

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Re: Humor
« Reply #3 on: Sun, Dec 18, 2005, 04:52 »

Oh yes, matsch tu truu!  =))

News from Mars:



 :=V
"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right!" Salvor Hardin

Piper

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Humor
« Reply #2 on: Sun, Dec 18, 2005, 03:36 »

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Mogul

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Humor
« Reply #1 on: Wed, May 04, 2005, 03:02 »

Guys, the idea of a Gay Homeland seems to be older that I supposed - just look what I have found on the internet (read till the end - the story is amusing):

Footnote24 by C. P. Stancich

24 Victoria-Victor introduction. On 12 December, 2038, Bilodeaux, while finishing his second term as Prime Minister, was asked by one-time lover Allistair Aames (See Ch. 3) to write a foreword to his book on the Gay Homeland Movement and the creation of the Nootka Republic. The book was to be published in September of the following year coincidentally with the republic's 20th anniversary celebration. As Bilodeaux was the serving premier, had helped draft the country's constitution, and had stood on the platform during the Day of Victoria-Victor, he considered himself bound to comply, even though pressed by threats of war from the Fundamentalist Republic of Idaho throughout the winter of 203839.

He completed the foreword to Forbidden Island: The Tumultuous Creation of the Gay Nation (as Aames' work was eventually titled), shortly after the New Year. It read:

One cannot look back on the creation of the Nootka Republic without remembering the incredible decade that preceded it. Indeed, one may say that the quarter century before that delirious Day of Victoria-Victor (25 years that represented the physical, emotional, and political adolescence of my generation) were years of unprecedented socio-political change-beginning, perhaps, with broad systemic changes and evolving into many specific changes, of which the Gay Homeland Movement was one. There is an argument for going back even further, to the invalidation and overhaul of socialism in the early 1990s, to find the "pebble" that caused the ripples.

Events toward the close of the last millennium crowded together, one atop the other: the dissolution of the Soviet Republic; the European neosocialist phenomenon; the Pacific Rim Economic Crisis heralded by the purchase of Bakersfield by the Fumikawa Corporation; the Akron Ozone Convention; the Crypto-Conservative Scare; and of course the North American Regionalization Mandate. To be sure, the new millennium contributed its share of catalysts. Who can forget 2002, the Year of the Two Depressions? And three years later the world was again shaken-by the events in Tobruk, when the Pan Misanthropy Organization walked out of the Second World Congress of Terrorist Organizations, and then blew it up.

A fatigued world civilization can be forgiven for mistaking the restive years 2006-8 as the beginning of a long quietus wrought by 15 years of violent catharsis. Hindsight reveals that the respite merely allowed what my predecessor Vincent Fan Li called "the chimera of fragmentationism" to grow its many heads. The AIDS vaccine breakthrough, coupled with the combination of movements and calamities that followed the respite and changed the world map, made it possible for the "Acid-tongued Clique" (as detractors nicknamed it) to acquire Vancouver Island for the new republic. It is this malaise that my friend Allistair Aames treats so ably in the following pages.

But while acknowledging the systemic and intrasystemic forces that led us to V-V Day, I prefer to remember the day itself on an individual level. There, on the platform erected on what is now the Inner Harbor Pavilion, I was fortunate to stand among men who so well represented the very tribulations this book chronicles-men who lived through the tempest of the Turn of the Millennium as well as through their own diverse personal crises. That collection of souls was the incarnation of the spirit of this book.

I remember most vividly some of the honored guests flown in expressly to be cheered by the throng. There was the venerable Parker Segura, who like Moses led us to the promised land but never entered (contrary to contemporary rumors, he simply couldn't bring himself to abandon his beloved home on Bimini). There was the banty c*ckney, Reggie Twofathers, who led the gay takeover of the Dodecanes in 2013 (many hail this as the first gay republic, though the region remains an only semi-autonomous part of Greece). There was the writer, Jervais Arnold, and his famous bodyguard, "Plugs" Mahony; Plugs always stood out in a crowd because of his size, but that night he gleamed in a black leather tuxedo and a rhinestone-studded right hand; he had lost his real right hand protecting Arnold during that sudden rioting in Scranton that would grow into the First Uprising of the Homophobes.

There were, of course, the dignitaries one would expect to find. Prime Minister Granton Milne and his first cabinet presided, joined by those of us on the constitutional boards. And of course present were the two men who had brought both sides through the 20 months of complicated negotiations for the acquisition of Vancouver Island and the San Juans: our own Carlos Lavender, and Premier Pat Silvagni of the United Counties of the Pacific Northwest.

But it was the men with personal stories that most intrigued me. Arthur Newton was there on the podium, though he had been left out of the cabinet due to an unfortunate and unfounded hetero rumor. And there was that militant champion, Mickey Paliescue, President of the International Union of Slave Boys. And then there was the man who for me made the most lasting impression: quiet, unassuming, 73-year-old Claude Preece.

A simple, taciturn man, Preece had been brought to the attention of the guest committee by Jervais Arnold, who suggested he represent those intrepid purveyors of gay sanctuary brought to the verge of extinction by the tragic proliferation of AIDS in the 1980s. Preece had served as managing partner for the Arcadian Grove, a remote private resort on the California Coast. The Arcadian Grove had been forced to approach a straight clientele after the AIDS Hysteria, and Preece eventually sold out, removing to Ashland in what was then southern Oregon. There had been attempts to revive the Grove's original concept after the Great Unzipping, but the world that welcomed the AIDS vaccine was economically too volatile.

I watched this proud old man as he waited to be introduced beside latex king Marvin Gold, and later, as the band struck up our unofficial anthem, "I Think We're Alone Now," I found myself in a small circle with him, toasting the new republic. Someone asked him how he had found the strength to go on after his dream resort had gone astray. He smiled and drew a deep breath.

"Well...I was given a sign," he said. "Only I didn't know it was a sign at the time."

We saw the gleam in his eye as we waited for him to go on. He spoke softly, so we huddled close.

"It was winter...off season; there was only a handful of guests. This was 1981. Heavy fog rolled in off the Pacific one evening, and Juan, the pool boy, came running into the office all flushed and out of breath, saying that a school bus had run off the road rounding the curve near our gate. It was a high school wrestling team, lost on the way back from a match. Night had come on, they were miles away from any help, and they had no idea where they were. There was nothing they could do but spend the night with us. You see, that night...some higher power gave us a glimpse, a night in Paradise. I knew it when the bottom fell out a couple of years later; I knew there was a reason not to give up hope. The essence of that evening has stayed with me from that night to this, though I could not tell you the name of one of those boys, or the name of the high school even though it was embroidered on every one of their jackets, or even if they won their match."

One of the more lascivious members of the circle blurted out desperately that he needed more detail, but Tom Elder, newly sworn Minister of Tourism, cut him out.

"No," Tom said with a smile. "Don't spoil the magic; let it remain as it is." Then he stepped closer to Claude Preece. "It was Alta Rios High School," he said with a wink. "And we did win the match."

And so, begging you to remember the exchange of Claude Preece and Tom Elder on the day that Victoria, Vancouver Island became Victor, Nootka Republic, and asking that you remember the thousands of other stories bound up in this history, I commend to you the excellent account that follows.

-Devon Bilodeaux, Jan. 2038
Author Biography:

C.P. Stancich says, "Love it/use it-hate it/ reject it. But credit it with one thing: short as it is, it makes room for a jab at Idaho; not enough fiction does that." And all this from Tacoma.

This story first appeared in the Volume 5, Number 3 (1993) issue of Sign of the Times-A Chronicle of Decadence in the Atomic Age

The story was found at: http://www.sott.com/v5-3s04.htm Unfortunally the copyright-link didn't function.
« Last Edit: Thu, May 05, 2005, 00:30 by Gunnar »
"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right!" Salvor Hardin
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